


The Misadventures of Bug Dad and Sexy Mom: Episode One Point Five. Valentine's Day Edition!

by kiapurity



Series: TMoBDaSM AU [5]
Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: F/M, Sam the Researcher
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:40:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22704112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiapurity/pseuds/kiapurity
Summary: When Sparda needs Sam the Researcher's help with wooing a certain blonde...
Relationships: Eva/Sparda (Devil May Cry)
Series: TMoBDaSM AU [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1438177
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	The Misadventures of Bug Dad and Sexy Mom: Episode One Point Five. Valentine's Day Edition!

A lone scientist researcher was sitting in the middle of a tree, trying to observe their subject: one tall white haired man who tended to wear purple suits of varying styles. The researcher grumbled to themselves, wondering why they chose that color in particular, and concluded it must have something to do with status or the subject in the question was just that odd. A puzzled expression surfaced on the researcher’s face once they realized the subject was standing straight under the tree, staring up at them.

“Shoo, shoo. You don’t see a scientist here. Shoo.”

“But, Sam.” Sparda began. “I need your assistance in this urgent matter.”

“How the hell do you know my name!?”

“I read your reports.”

Sam fell out of the tree in disbelief. They stood up quickly, brushing leaves and twigs out of their brown hair and adjusted their lime green cats’ eyeglass frames. “Excuse me. Normally, research subjects should… not read reports about themselves.”

“They were pretty insightful and told me a lot about my behavior… and that is why I need your help.”

Sparda let out a loud sigh, unnerving the researcher for a small moment. The Devil looked slightly morse and the researcher didn’t know what to do. Hell, was there even any sort of procedure in place upon accidentally being discovered by the subject? Abandon the research? Declare a moment of “Fuck it” and resume the research, pretending as if nothing had ever happened?

“What do you need help with?”

Sparda cleared his throat, attempting a regal composure. “Valentine’s day is coming up and since I am courting this very wonderful woman who someday I hope to marry… I need you to play the role of cupid.”

Sam was speechless.

“I am a bit unfamiliar with the current courtship customs of this time period and would like to be a little modern… so that is where you come in play, Sam.”

“Do I have to wear a costume?”

“Maybe?”

A few hours later, Sam had a slide-out black board on wheels in front of the tree with Sparda sitting at a desk. There were crude stick figures, one with badly drawn boobs and the other with a monocle. The researcher was doing their best to try to explain human courtship rituals which usually consisted of asking the other person out on date with a bouquet of flowers.

“Wouldn’t a bouquet of severed demon limbs be better?”

“Sparda, that is a terrible gift. Where ever did you get the idea in the first place?” Sam responded.

“Well, it’s a thing back home. You usually impressed the chosen mate with a severed limb from the strongest demon.”

“Have you ever been on a date?”

“Erm.” Sparda said. “Modern definition… not so much.”

“How many exes have you had?” Sam asked, watching Sparda slowly sweating bullets. “Nevermind.”

Sam repeated the lesson plans, loudly stating that all Sparda had to do was be a gentleman, woo Eva with flowers and sweep her off her feet. Well, maybe not literally, unless it involved music and dancing. Then yes, that was okay. Dinner at the finest restaurant was a must unless they wanted something more romantic like picnicking under the stars.

“My god, Sam! You’re a genius! How do you know all this?”

Sam sighed. “Both of my childhood friends who were girls loved talking about that. I only wanted to study science because it is my calling in life. I’m content as I am right now.”

Sparda handed Sam a severed demon toe because he thought the researcher needed something small to cheer them up. “Happy Valentine’s day, Sam.”

The researcher stared at the toe in their palm and sighed loudly. “It appears we will need to go over the lessons. AGAIN.”

\--

One awkward phone call later, Sparda and Eva were sitting in a lovely restaurant after deciding the weather was a little chilly for the picnicking idea. Sam was resigned to wearing a cupid’s wings, carrying a bow with sharp arrows. When they loudly questioned Sparda on the arrows, Sparda told Sam that it was fine to fire the arrows at him if he screwed up. Sam wondered if it was too early to try to take up drinking as seeing how they were barely eighteen. The researcher was attempting to blend in with the decor despite the waiter bringing them water.

“My, you really went out of your way with this date!”

“I wanted this night to be perfect because you are perfect.”

“Well, aren’t you awfully romantic tonight?” Eva giggled. “What are your intentions towards me? Honorable, I would hope?”

“Um… yes.” Sparda blushed slightly. “That is if you don’t mind dancing after dining?”

“That would just be perfect!”

Sam sighed; so far, so good. Rest of the evening followed without incident and that was when the researcher was proud of themselves for pounding the message in Sparda’s feeble brain cell as clearly as possible. Make it all about her! If you’re serious about spending the rest of your years with her, make it count! The researcher followed the couple to a local dancing club in which they attempted to blend in with the decor again.

“Would it be ah, early for me to ask your hand in marriage?”

An arrow struck Sparda on his behind, he barely flinched.

“Really? I was thinking about asking you the same question, myself. There’s something so compelling about you…”

Sam suddenly had an overwhelming sense of dread upon wondering what kind of children those two would produce. The minute they tried to process that idea, their mind went blank with fear. Then for a good measure, they let another arrow loose, this time landing in Sparda’s shoulder.

“Where are these arrows coming from?”

“Ah, those are from the cupid! It only displays my great love for you.”

“For fork’s sake.” Sam groaned. The temptation was too strong to shoot Sparda again.

Pain was nothing to Sparda, he could endure it all if only to keep Eva gazing upon his face. She was all the light he needed to lift the darkness in his soul. It was worth it, sundering the demon world and the human world. All because he believed in humanity’s beauty and their unlimited potential. There was nothing more he wanted at this moment to extend the evening if for just a little more. There would be more adventures in the following days, weeks, months, and years with Eva. (And one annoyed researcher)

\--

Report for today [REDACTED]  
By  
Sam the Researcher

Sparda asked me for help with courtship rituals. He seemed to have read my previous reports on him and somehow figured out my existence. Troubling. Will have to invent a way to scrub everyone’s memories. Sadly, I can only daydream as the Order doesn’t have ability to do that yet.

Had to teach him how to date in the modern world. Lessons barely took hold. Was gifted a severed demon’s toe. No.

Somehow stuck dressing up as a cupid, staring at them in a restaurant. Also was given a bow and particularly sharp arrows. Sparda asked me to shoot him if he did anything weird. Bladder control is strong after having to sip water that the waiter insists on bringing me despite me telling the waiter to pretend I wasn’t there.

The couple went dancing, shot arrows at Sparda twice. It seems that they have skipped straight to the idea of getting married right away after only a few dates. Noodle incident still haunts me to this day. I am afraid. What kind of children will they produce? 

At least it’s better being here than being stalked by Agatha at every turn.


End file.
